I understand that children are the future of the World. Some children, however, need to be put on leashes. Some customers of The Restaurant allow their children to be part of the ordering process. This is something I highly discourage. Some things I will allow but for the most part, ordering dinner should be Mommy and Daddy's job. And if the children I get to deal with on a daily basis represent many children in America then I'm scared for the future.
Let's start with the crazy things I don't like...
When you are placing an order please do it in an area where you are away from your hungry screaming children. I understand babies need lots of attention but you do not need to be holding your screaming baby while ordering your food. And you do not need to get shitty with me when I ask you to repeat something. I don't have babies for a reason and I do not want to deal with yours. I had a woman one time who ordered food and all I could hear was the screaming of her children and I asked her to repeat something because I couldn't hear her and she said "I know, my kids are screaming because they are hungry" well sweetie, maybe if you didn't wait until your kids were screaming to order dinner then we wouldn't have this issue. I'm pretty sure you should have your kids feeding schedule down so when your kid is hungry there's food on the table.
Do NOT let your kid order food. If your kid is under 15 they should not be ordering dinner. First of all, children that young typically have no phone manners so they don't know when to talk and when to shut up. I did not grow up with the internet and text messaging. I had to call my friends on the phone so I learned phone manners. I'm not a dinosaur, I'm 21 but I was raised old school. Your teenager or toddler (yeah, preschoolers ordering food!! How cuuuuuteee...NO) may also not know how pizza ordering works so either teach junior how to not mumble and to speak slowly or put the beer bottle down long enough to order. And when your kid messes up the order, do NOT call back and yell at me after I repeated the order twice. It's not my fault your kid is dumb. It is also not my fault that you did nothing to help the situation. If your kid wants to order so bad then write everything down for them. Now I know that sometimes your children may be left alone and hungry so they will have to order for themselves. This is fine. Just make sure they know the rules.
Please do NOT allow your child, in this case and kid 13 or younger, answer the door. First of all, the kid may not know how much money to give back or how to tip. (Tipping is necessary, in case we haven't covered that) Second, I do not want to sacrifice my co pilot to some kid that can get burned. Our food is delivered HOT -- what a strange concept; I know but it's true. Pizza burns are unforgiving. Molten cheese will ruin your child's chances of ever being a hand model so be responsible and answer the door. Third, children tend to be uncoordinated. I'm not the most graceful person but I can maneuver a pizza. Children will tip and toss and DROP a hot pizza and when I see your little angel tip all the cheese off that pizza I will not feel bad. And if you call back, we will not sympathize. Shake the pizza in the other direction. It will be fine. Adults are guilty of tipping pizzas too. I have no idea how many times I have seen adults leave with their fresh pies tipping and revolving like a dreidel in the middle of Hanukkah. Please carry the pizza flat. What ever terrible high school memory would possess somebody to clutch a pizza to their chest like they're a nerd running from the football team is beyond me. Let's say it together people; sauce is soupy, cheese is slippery, toppings are slidey :) GOOD. You learn something new everyday.
Things your children are allowed to do:
Pay me; with adult supervision.
We have one customer that gives her small children the money to put in their wallets and when I get there they pull out the wallets and pay me. Luckily, this mom is a thinker and I never need to give change and she comes to the door so she takes the food. This is perfectly acceptable and really cute.
Thank me;
Toddlers that are learning the necessities of politeness like please and thank you are hysterical and an instant mood lifter. Obviously babies waving are on the same level. Babies that blow kisses get bonus points.
Now I'm not some child hating monster. I like kids. I just don't like kids that do an adult's job. With adult supervision; your children will aid in the future of pizza delivery. That's a good thing. Allowing a six year old to order dinner and accept food from a STRANGER is unacceptable.
Children coming to the door also worries be because for all intents and purposes I'm a stranger. I may grace your doorstep every weekend but just because you're expecting food does not mean that the next person to ring your doorbell is me. At least look out the window BEFORE allowing junior to answer the door, spill your pizza and burn all the skin off his pinky finger. Stranger danger is real and it is terrifying. Do your part. And visit www.strangerdanger.com
I lied. I don't think that's a real website. But use your noodle! If your kids annoy you and they came from your womb, they will annoy me, no offense.
--The Chosen One
