I do not like children.

I understand that children are the future of the World. Some children, however, need to be put on leashes. Some customers of The Restaurant allow their children to be part of the ordering process. This is something I highly discourage. Some things I will allow but for the most part, ordering dinner should be Mommy and Daddy's job. And if the children I get to deal with on a daily basis represent many children in America then I'm scared for the future.

Let's start with the crazy things I don't like...

When you are placing an order please do it in an area where you are away from your hungry screaming children. I understand babies need lots of attention but you do not need to be holding your screaming baby while ordering your food. And you do not need to get shitty with me when I ask you to repeat something. I don't have babies for a reason and I do not want to deal with yours. I had a woman one time who ordered food and all I could hear was the screaming of her children and I asked her to repeat something because I couldn't hear her and she said "I know, my kids are screaming because they are hungry" well sweetie, maybe if you didn't wait until your kids were screaming to order dinner then we wouldn't have this issue. I'm pretty sure you should have your kids feeding schedule down so when your kid is hungry there's food on the table.

Do NOT let your kid order food. If your kid is under 15 they should not be ordering dinner. First of all, children that young typically have no phone manners so they don't know when to talk and when to shut up. I did not grow up with the internet and text messaging. I had to call my friends on the phone so I learned phone manners. I'm not a dinosaur, I'm 21 but I was raised old school. Your teenager or toddler (yeah, preschoolers ordering food!! How cuuuuuteee...NO) may also not know how pizza ordering works so either teach junior how to not mumble and to speak slowly or put the beer bottle down long enough to order. And when your kid messes up the order, do NOT call back and yell at me after I repeated the order twice. It's not my fault your kid is dumb. It is also not my fault that you did nothing to help the situation. If your kid wants to order so bad then write everything down for them. Now I know that sometimes your children may be left alone and hungry so they will have to order for themselves. This is fine. Just make sure they know the rules.

Please do NOT allow your child, in this case and kid 13 or younger, answer the door. First of all, the kid may not know how much money to give back or how to tip. (Tipping is necessary, in case we haven't covered that) Second, I do not want to sacrifice my co pilot to some kid that can get burned. Our food is delivered HOT -- what a strange concept; I know but it's true. Pizza burns are unforgiving. Molten cheese will ruin your child's chances of ever being a hand model so be responsible and answer the door. Third, children tend to be uncoordinated. I'm not the most graceful person but I can maneuver a pizza. Children will tip and toss and DROP a hot pizza and when I see your little angel tip all the cheese off that pizza I will not feel bad. And if you call back, we will not sympathize. Shake the pizza in the other direction. It will be fine. Adults are guilty of tipping pizzas too. I have no idea how many times I have seen adults leave with their fresh pies tipping and revolving like a dreidel in the middle of Hanukkah. Please carry the pizza flat. What ever terrible high school memory would possess somebody to clutch a pizza to their chest like they're a nerd running from the football team is beyond me. Let's say it together people; sauce is soupy, cheese is slippery, toppings are slidey :) GOOD. You learn something new everyday.

Things your children are allowed to do:

Pay me; with adult supervision.

We have one customer that gives her small children the money to put in their wallets and when I get there they pull out the wallets and pay me. Luckily, this mom is a thinker and I never need to give change and she comes to the door so she takes the food. This is perfectly acceptable and really cute.

Thank me;

Toddlers that are learning the necessities of politeness like please and thank you are hysterical and an instant mood lifter. Obviously babies waving are on the same level. Babies that blow kisses get bonus points.

Now I'm not some child hating monster. I like kids. I just don't like kids that do an adult's job. With adult supervision; your children will aid in the future of pizza delivery. That's a good thing. Allowing a six year old to order dinner and accept food from a STRANGER is unacceptable.

Children coming to the door also worries be because for all intents and purposes I'm a stranger. I may grace your doorstep every weekend but just because you're expecting food does not mean that the next person to ring your doorbell is me. At least look out the window BEFORE allowing junior to answer the door, spill your pizza and burn all the skin off his pinky finger. Stranger danger is real and it is terrifying. Do your part. And visit www.strangerdanger.com

I lied. I don't think that's a real website. But use your noodle! If your kids annoy you and they came from your womb, they will annoy me, no offense.

--The Chosen One

Never underestimate the power of music

I like to think of my delivery shifts as a road trip. I get six hours of tires on the pavement with a pizza as my co pilot. Life really doesn't get much sweeter than that. Obviously I have to stop at The Restaurant and get different co pilots because my cheese and pepperoni friends leave me to accompany a family for dinner but I like getting new additions to the party; it makes life interesting and I get to meet more people.

With any road trip comes the music. If you drive without music, something is very wrong with your life. If you doubt me, try it. I will eventually compile a list of my favorite driving songs but I digress, there's a story here worth telling. I like to listen to music at a pretty high level. If the music is too low I can't concentrate on the road and my destination. I do turn the music down when I get to a customer's house because I do not know their musical preferences. I really do not want to be blaring Backstreet Boys if a customer loves NSYNC that could mean a bad tip and maybe a fist fight which is bad for business.

Anyways, on this particular delivery I was listening to Lil Wayne's Blue Martian Mixtape which I HIGHLY recommend. The bass is ridiculous and Weezy is as incredible as ever. I pull into the driveway of a huge farm in the middle of nowhere and about seventeen barn cats charge my truck. I have to move fast to avoid these crazy beasts so I forget to turn the music down. As I dip, dive, and dodge pass these furry felines all while balancing a large supreme and a double wing, I hear my beats bumping from my truck like "Eye of the Tiger" played for Sylvester Stallone in Rocky. (Which is another great driving song...just sayin)

I finally get to the door and a woman of about 45 answers and makes my entire night with one sentence:
"Nice beats, you seem like you're having a good time" I love it when people appreciate Weezy.
"Thanks. I like to jam out when I'm on deliveries so then it's like a road trip" I laugh at the last part; everybody thinks I am crazy for the way I see delivering but they just don't get it. Delivering is exhilarating.


She invites me in to her old farm house so she can get the money ready. I was a little early because I also like to drive fast. I'm basically Mario Andretti behind the wheel. Deal with it.

When all is said and done, she tips me ten bucks which is a great tip. I thank her and wish her well and as I look down the path to my truck I remember all the cats just begging for attention. I do not have time for their cuteness so I rush to my truck and drive back to The Restaurant. I need to get a new co pilot.

I like when customers want to make conversation. I don't have time to go into detail about my life but when customers compliment on little things it really puts me in a good mood. I was having a rough night so her smile really made my night better. The lesson here is to never doubt how much a smile can effect somebody's day. Be nice to the people delivering your food. We REMEMBER people. I know the good tippers, the bad tippers, and the people that stink. Have you ever gotten a 2 Liter of soda that resembled Old Faithful when you opened it? Clearly you pissed off a delivery driver at one time. We have a ton of tools in our arsenal to mess with bad customers. And truth be told, I would rather have a nice person that gave an average tip of a few bucks than an asshole that tipped me five bucks. Niceness may not pay the bills but at least it can put me in a better mood. I don't mess with customers as much as I should because they're typically assholes after they've paid me. And I never want to push customers too far because they really are important but if you are a chronic no tipper odds are, I wont be nice at your door. If you can afford to order food, you can toss me a buck for bringing it to you.

The ride back is lonely with an empty pizza insulator in my passenger seat so I turn up the radio and let Weezy fill the void the pizza has left and I press my foot to the gas a little bit harder.

--The Chosen One.

First things first

We need to get a few things out of the way before this blog gets rolling so to avoid the inevitable Frequently Asked Questions here are the answers:

This blog and its owners will remain anonymous.

Please do not ask where I work because I will not tell you. I would hate to piss off the customers that have made so many of these stories possible.

There will be at least two different authors of the blogs. The creator of the blog will be known from now on as 'The Chosen One' and my accomplice will be 'ManBearPig'.

We will attempt to keep any swearing and foul language to a minimum but some stories just really need it. If you do not like our language then don't read our blog. This is meant to be as uncensored and unadulterated as possible.

If any of the stories seem like they are about you it is merely a coincidence. Please do not attack my blog saying I am talking about you, please don't flatter yourself. There are millions of people that order pizza every day and odds are, the same things are happening all over the country. AND if something in this blog resembles your treatment of delivery drivers then cut that shit out and change your life.

If there are any people, situations, or topics you want to know more about please just ask. Most customers are repeat offenders so they will come up a lot.

All names, places and some likenesses will be changed at the discretion of the blog author.


And to the friends we will be passing this blog on to: Please DO NOT reveal our names, location, etc if you post any comments.

All my love and adoration,
The Chosen One

Get ready for the ride

So I have been wanting to start this for a long time now. Delivering pizzas is an adventure. You may think that the person pulling into your driveway doesn't care that you answer the door in a towel, or naked for that matter. You may not think that we care about the porn you're watching on your t.v. or that we hear you telling your kids how hard you're going to hit them if they don't "shut the fuck up" you may think that tipping is unnecessary or even that we don't appreciate the great tip you give us. Truth is, we may only be at your door for fifteen seconds but those fifteen seconds can make or break our night. You can learn a lot about a person by delivering their food. I have enough stories to make William Shakespeare look like an amateur. I love delivering and I love customers. I love the good, the bad, the ugly, the drunk, the high, and the naked. I love the good tippers, the bad tippers, and the customers that never seem to hear the doorbell. These are their stories, from the way I see them, fifteen seconds at a time.

These are my confessions.
Confessions of a Delivery Driver.
This is just the beginning.